im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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