Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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