My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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