I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
