i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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