just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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