Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
