he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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