She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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