seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
