Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
