I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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