I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize