walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize