how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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