I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
