That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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