i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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