i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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