Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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