my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
