my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
