i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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