I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
