Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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