im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
