Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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