The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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