I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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