I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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