I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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