I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
