I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
