Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
