My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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