I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
