I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
