it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
