My room smells like vodka and shame
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
