if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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