I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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