If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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