If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
