If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We talked him into tasing himself.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
