I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
