My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
