i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
