GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
