I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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