Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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