Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
