I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
