Moan for me like Helen Keller
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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