I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
