My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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