A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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