Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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