i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
